by Lisa Copen
The words “hot and bothered” may spark images of twisted sheets and breathlessly reaching out to the one you love for most people. But if you have a chronic illness, “hot” likely refers to a thyroid condition, night sweats, or a heating pad on high. “Bothered” is everything else that happens in bed. Like achy joints that pop when you roll over, a cat that insists on sleeping on your leg, or a spouse who snores through thunder and lightening. Romance may be hard to find in your home!
You may be surprised to know that nearly 1 in 2 people live with a chronic illness in the U.S.A. That means a whole lot of marriages have a third bed partner called “illness”–including mental illness too. Sadly, seventy-five percent of marriages that include illness end in divorce. Valentine’s Day romance is a year-round requirement to keep the communication and joy going in your relationship.
So, how can you add back some of that spark? I’ve got some romantic ideas that will tell your hubby “I love you” even when you are in chronic pain.
Put forth some effort. No more excuses. “I’m so exhausted, I don’t feel that great. My body feels like it was run over by a truck.” I’ve said them all. But guess what? If you have an illness you’ll probably always be tired in a way normal people aren’t tired. So put on some music and relax. The distraction of romance can make you forget about a great deal of the pain!
Prioritize romance. Cleaning the house all day Saturday and then claiming you’re “just too tired” can make your spouse feel that he isn’t as important as your own agenda. Get some rest so you can at least have a decent conversation without falling asleep.
Be enthusiastic during your romantic evening. Even if you’re just going out for dinner, don’t say, “I’m doing this just for you. I don’t really feel like it.” (Oh, yeah, that will turn him on.) Smile and talk about pleasant memories or dreams you have. Promise yourself not to talk about your illness for just one night.
Even if you don’t have the gift of writing poetry, do something that tells your spouse how much you appreciate him. Cover a page with sentences of things you appreciate and love using different colored markers. Make up a mini-photo albumn.
Surely your spouse does some things for you without complain. Does he bring home your favorite ice cream? Throw in a load of laundry? Never expect you to iron or serve a five course meal? Write down all of the things you notice he does that you don’t usually thank him for and give it to him as a special appreciation note.
Women, let’s get real. Regardless of your weight, get over feeling self-conscious and buy some underwear from a store that doesn’t also sell tires.
Text message him something daring or outrageously romantic that you would have said when you first fell in love. Back before text-messaging existed.
Make up coupons for something he would like but wouldn’t typically splurge on for himself. For example, “Good for 5 guilt-free hours of going fishing with the guys.” Don’t make him feel guilty whenever he wants to do something you can participate in (like going for a bike ride or on a roller coaster.)
Perfect marriages will never exist, but a even a marriage that has an illness can be a huge blessing and not just a state of survival. Romance comes in many ways. I remember loving my husband more than ever the night I couldn’t not move because of a rheumatoid arthritis flare. I “slept” sitting on the couch and he spent the night on the floor beside the couch to comfort me every time I screamed from the pain.
Love is complicated and can come in many forms. One of the books I’ve bought all the couples in my life is “Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires, the Respect He Desperately Needs” by Emerson Eggerichs. It talks a lot about “love languages.” For example, men feel loved when they feel respected, while women want to feel loved with emotions and communication. A lot of times we are giving our spouse what we desire rather than the “love language” they most need. Being aware of all of the small ways we can show each other love and respect will add up to romance the whole year through.